S : I haven’t had sex with my husband since I got pregnant.
Me : You haven’t had sex with him over one and half year?
S : Right.
Me : Why?
S : I cannot see him as a man or husband anymore and when he wants to have sex with me, I physically repulse him, I don’t even want him to touch me.
Me : You don’t love him anymore?
S : I do, but I love him as a family, not as a man anymore.
Me : Do you want to have sex at all?
S : Yes, I do, but I don’t want it with him.
Me: I guess that is not good for your marriage.
S : I know, but I cannot put myself through it, just thinking about it makes me disgusted. I feel bad and I think it’s not fair, but I just cannot do it with him and I don’t know what to do.
It was one day at lunch time at elementally school, I think I was 3rd or 4th grade. We are having lunch like everyday in the classroom and that day I noticed the girl sitting next me was not eating Shiitake in one of the dishes. You know, back then, when we were kids, we must eat everything that served at school lunch, right? I didn’t have problems finishing the lunch, but some kids are picky eaters and they had trouble eating some of the dishes. I saw some kids crying and forcing foods down the throat. One time I even saw one kid throwing up in the toilet after lunch. Anyway, she was not eating Shiitake even though she knew cannot leave until she eats them. I asked her if she doesn’t like Shiitake and she said that she hates it because they look like slugs. I thought they actually look like slugs and after that day I couldn’t eat Shiitake. Evey time I saw Shiitake, it reminds me of slugs and it disgusted me. However, after a few years, I became being able to eat Shiitake again. Shiitake is not slugs, Shiitake is Shiitake.
As you probably guessed already, Shiitake in the story is sex with your husband and I is you, right? My opinion about Shiitake changed twice in the story. Before the day, it was not my favourite food but I had no trouble eating it, but after the day, I didn’t like it and couldn’t eat it for a while. Then, a few years later, still not my favourite, but I started eating it again. This is strange because whole time, Shiite had been Shiitake, it didn’t change. Yes, it looks and taste different depends on the dish you make, but the essence of the Shiitake remained. It didn’t become Natto and changed back to Shiitake again. Shiitake never changed, What changed is how I see Shiitake. However, I thought about it more and realized that this is not that strange. We change opinions about things all the time. For example, you like someone you have just met but as you get to know them better, you don’t like them much anymore. Or you first hated the new job, but you learned to find it interesting and challenging.
I am not saying that if you just wait for a while you will naturally enjoy having sex with him again, maybe you will, maybe you won’t but it is up to you, not him.
Then what can you do? I don’t have the answer but here is what I suggest. See it in the different light. You can try doing things you used to do with him, back when you wanted him as a man. For example, go on a date. Maybe you haven’t been on a date with him for a really long time. Go see him at his work place. You probably haven’t seen him working, surrounded by other people for a while. You may find him attractive again. You will probably remember why you liked him in the first place, because he didn’t change, how you see him changed.
I hope you will enjoy having Shiitake again.